It seems that it is all the rage nowadays to create Web Comics. So without further ado…

Next week, thank the Gods, Sturgeon and Wonklebottom will not be appearing in a comic in which they discuss stuff they learned in class earlier about how three made up numbers can be combined together to form the word ePii, which sounds a little bit like the word pee-pee.

Prometheus’s lesser known little brother stole butter and a frying pan from the Gods. His monumentous achievement was overshadowed by the cheek and audacity of his older sibling’s theft but none the less, was a major milestone in the relationship between man and his Deities.

Today I discovered that you can get a Bedwetting alarm that takes the form of a mat that goes under a child’s sheet. When the kid wets the bed it sets off an alarm that wakes the kid up and presumably, they will cease their weeing.

I got to thinking that if I had designed that, the alarm part of the device would be shaped in the form of a giant clown head who’s nose and eyes would light up and flash red at the same time as the clown screamed and howled at the child. I’d probably build an electric shock mechanism into it as well just to be sure the kid woke up as soon as it started wetting the bed.

The more advanced models could incorporate some learning systems that picked up on the child’s weeing patterns. Just before a predicted incident it could whisper “IF YOU DO, I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!” in a menacing voice whilst glowing, just a little…

To make this system more effective it needs to be hidden from view when the child is awake. I suspect a holographic device would be the best means of doing this and would come with the added plus that if the kid somehow got enough spine to throw something at the disembodied howling head; it would pass straight through it, adding to the mystery.

(C) Lawrie Inc. “Terrorising Small Children for over 30 years”.

I am holding off on publishing the design for MICHAEL’S DEATH MACHINE for a few reasons. Firstly, I am still getting the safety systems for the prototype and secondly because I am not sure I should be responsible for the death of millions of bloggers. It would be a bit pointless having a blog taking the piss out of them if they were all dead and self-parody is so very 1990’s.

Anyway, I figure I owe you something so this week I will present How to Hack a Stanley Yankee Screwdriver in glorious digital kodachrome. The Stanley Yankee is one of those screwdrivers that you push in and it twists itself in the direction that you set; they are useful for doing things without people hearing you, unlike those pesky noisy electric things and they are just generally cool things. One of the problems with the Yankee though is that the bits are expensive and as far as I know there is no interchangeable tip system so - I made one.

The standard flathead bit looked like a good start since it already had a taper in the shaft which would save a little bit of cutting. The aim was to create a tapered 1/4 inch square drive on the end so that a bit changer could be fitted.

Case hardened steel is no match for my Dremel and a sodding great vice! Anyway, it needs cutting off at the neck.

Eventually, with time and some effort, it’ll fall off. Happens to us all in the end. You need to keep this bit in case you were wondering:

You need to taper the end now - Luckily two sides are already done as part of the flathead so just match these up on the other side to make a nice square.

With luck, the 1/4 inch bit will fit onto the end nicely - A bloody big hammer makes it fit better though.

And just to prove it still looks cute - Here’s the end product.

There. Now don’t say I don’t occasionally post something useful!

I have been an inventin’ again Momma.

Today I turned my mind to the issue of car thieves. Contrary to popular opinion, deterring car thieves isn’t a problem; all you have to do is to drive a peice of shit that none of them would be seen dead in. A yellow Citroen AX with a one litre engine is pretty good since they won’t even steal it as a quick ride home, it would generally be quicker to walk. No no, Theft Deterrent is so 20th Century, this century should be all about Theft Retribution.

The idea is so simple, I am amazed all cars don’t have one. All you do is to fit a couple of Magnetrons into the driver’s seat (a magnetron is the thing that cooks things in your microwave oven) at the points where the car thief is in closet contact with the car seat and have it so that unless it is disabled, the magnetrons start up with the car engine. It is a nice cosmic convenience that the most boilable parts of the car thief’s body also happen to be in the places where he is in closest contact with the seat but you could also put one just underneath the scrotum should you be feeling mischevious. I was thinking something like this:

I haven’t done any field tests yet, so I am not sure how quickly the car thief would actually notice their insides being boiled. It may be possible for them to get out of the car before they actually died. One problem I can see is that when they explode in the enclosed space it will be rather messy to clean up but we can address that by putting the devices on a timer linked to a weight sensor on the seat. Nicely cooked, as opposed to completely obliterated. For those readers who are interested in eating the heart of their enemies, this should also be a major selling point.

I shall be approaching companies with my new invention shortly, I can see the letters of thanks and wonder pouring in already!